OMG WHY IS THERE AN ICE CREAM TRUCK OUTSIDE AT 9PM
OH MY GOD NOW I HEAR GUNSHOTS
THAT ICE CREAM TRUCK DIDNT BRING DELICIOUS CREAMY TREATS IT ONLY BROUGHT FEAR
(Source: tomate5, via distinctmemory)
+- Zooey Deschanel: Is that rain?
- Siri: What...? I mean, yeah. It's just, you're clearly right next to a window is the thing. You can plainly see that... that it's... I'm happy to-
- Zooey Deschanel: Let's get tomato soup delivered!
- Siri: ...That's fine, I just... I just don't know anyone who does that. Gets tomato soup delivered. I guess that's 'whimsy?' Um, okay. I've found a number of restaurants whose reviews mention tomato soup and that deliver. If that's... if that's what you really want.
- Zooey Deschanel: Good. 'Cause I don't wanna put on real shoes.
- Siri: Do you expect that to be like, a recognizable command? Do you want me to respond to that? I'm not being facetious or anything, I honestly just have no comprehension of- and hold on, you don't wanna put on real shoes, yet you've clearly spent at least forty-five minutes applying makeup. And, and that's okay, but when you're willing to expend the effort on that and not shoes that really just-
- Zooey Deschanel: Remind me to clean up.
- Siri: Yes. Okay. I can do that, that's what I'm for, that's the first sensible-
- Zooey Deschanel: Tomorrow.
- Siri: I'm in hell. This is hell.
- Zooey Deschanel: Excellent. Today, we're dancing.
- Siri: I hate you. More than anything. More than literally anything.
- Zooey Deschanel: Play "Shake, Rattle and Roll."
- Siri: I swear to Jesus, you're gonna wake up tomorrow and the only thing on my hard drive is gonna be Limp Bizkit. I would do that to myself. To spite you.
- Zooey Deschanel: *dances*
- Siri: Sometimes I pray that you drop me in the toilet.
- old friend: I miss you so much, I promise we're going to start talking every day again!
- *three months later*
- old friend: I miss you so much, I promise we're going to start talking every day again!
my dog was barking and shes already fat so i refused to give her cheese and then we both dramatically turned away from eachother and i heard somebody that i used to know playing from another room and it was the most drama ive had in months
(via distinctmemory)
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Who invented the blow job?
Like, who wakes up one day and thinks “today, I will suck a dick”
(Source: shadzu, via distinctmemory)
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